Entropy/Randomness

In respect to Randomness: What if you could ride upside down waves?

Anyway.

The title happens to be what one receives when meeting someone new, personality primarily. Speculation can be made from a distance but only informs to an extent. I honestly wonder if two people have the same personality. The amount of dissapointment I'd feel to find that out is actually quite scary so I'll try to move forward with the train wreck of a post.

Speaking of train wrecks, I watched Super 8 last weekend and it was phenomenal, Spielberg is quite the consistent fellow.

Is randomness bad? Well, obviously it can't be because it fuels our universe. To this day we can't predict how electrons and quarks move. It could be that the amount of possibilities would make your brain explode and thus we just can't imagine it. Biology has a lot of randomness in it, yet it's primarily facts.

As you can tell I'm quite jumpy, even at 11:00. Honestly it's just anxiety for my multiple multiple major assessments tomorrow. I DO care how I do on them, but at the same time all I want is to get them over with, which are quite generic feelings. What isn't generic is that I'm slightly excited about it. The challenge is just taunting me. I'll want to rush because after Friday....well you know...FREEDOM! At least in theory. The idea of having lot's of time to waste and just "stay" not come or go will be nice. Take a nap. "Take a shower, shine your shoes". Dispatch always had a way of being extremely into and passionate about their music while seeming completely relaxed. Maybe a little like passive aggression, the ultimate battle tactic.

I'm really not sure. I never am, if I was there wouldn't be a reason to continue living. That was supposed to be optimistic. I'll see ya on the other side.

Need

Today I was very depressed. I found it difficult to be motivated to do anything at all. This also happened to be the day that I meet with my psychologist. Of course I was feeling depressed but when venting everything is somewhat exaggerated. So I vented and was depressed for the rest of the day until I had a chat with my mom in the car about it and I told her that recently I haven't been connecting with my dad very well. Only to find that when he came home and we talked that he had the antidote for all my depression. He made me feel needed. Man did I cry, and man did it feel good. Not often does one admit to crying so I hope you approach the last statement with gentleness. I was so worried with being crushed under the pressures of the world (primarily because I got a D on a Bio test, my only honors class) and not being able to find a raison d'etre when truly my raisons are right in front of me. Those who make me feel needed and I need are the most important (to me) in this world. This is one of the reasons one of the only jobs I could probably ever motivate myself to do (in this stage of my life) would be, to be a psychologist, so that people could open themselves up to me. Different languages and the fear of vulnerability are the barriers between humans, and since relationships are the reason we exist these barriers must be conquered.

Short and Sweet

"Is is better to have had and lost than not having at at". This is the question. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to give up. Just to die, and not have to deal with the weight of the present. Then, hours later I move on. Why do we feel so much emotion? I guess one could ask if what was had and then lost, if it is really "lost". I wonder what I would think about this question in a time of depression. In a time of joy. I just wonder.

Almost Forgot to Post

It's really late. But my blog is important. Basically in the church school type classes on Wednesday that I've mentioned in the past, we talked about the home invasion in Cheshire. Thus we talked about the death penalty. It is a very heated topic, but can be interesting to talk about just because of the adrenalin of knowing that you're discussing something important that affects the mass. The only thing I can't stand is ignorance of another's point of view. That is not okay. But in need of vent and this being MY blog I thought I'd mention my thoughts on the death penalty. They're short and confined. And may sound abrupt and exclusionary but in truth I've thought a lot about the topic. I believe that no one, no matter the situation or act should be put to death. We are blessed with this experience that we call life to explore the real rather than just be nothing (or a possibility within the real). Thus to strip someone of this, no matter who they are is the ultimate crime. This also means that those who commit murder have committed the ultimate horror. Any taking of life is unjustified and I would like none of it in my world. To die a natural death is a blessing. I hope I am blessed. I also believe that (even though I am naive and not completely informed about what it means to have lost someone close to murder) that all who have taken a life should be forgiven, BUT must spend a large majority if not the rest of their lives in prison. There should be a chance to get out. I doubt that the resentment within a 20 year old murderer will EVER be still present within that same person in their 50s/60s. If the latter was true I'd say they're mislead and need psychiatric guidance. Back to forgiving; the action of killing is a sudden event. We as humans (in our destructive and horrid ways) have created tools to make killing as easy as stressing a finger. In the state of mind shrouded with hate, lust for revenge, and adrenalin the action of killing is very simple, and it happens so fast. Too fast for the killer to really think about the ramifications of killing someone, to strip someone of their blessed life. Thus they must be forgiven. But not let free from jurisdiction. These are my thoughts.

Individuality

So I was thinking about living in other time periods. The only way a noble could rise in power under Louis XIV was by befriending him and allying with him because of the way Louis set up his rule. That must have sucked. To have to give into intolerance, ignorance, hate, materialism even if you knew that it was wrong. I thought about the time we live in now. We have so much more opportunity. Many might say that our lives are restrained by the laws of society. WRONG. In this new time we have the ability to spread ideas faster than ever before. Individualism could affect the entire world if let. That is the focus of this quick thought, individualism. In the 17 century you could be put to death for any beliefs contrary to the king. Now (there are always exceptions) the world is much more accepting. Our generation has taken such a huge step forward in accepting other races, cultures, ethnicity, sexuality and just everything there is to be accepted. One could say that I'm just being naive but unless brainwashed by their parents, our generation has been intellectually enhanced by the diversity of the internet. A child whose parents say "Jimmy, blacks are bad" then goes on the internet to find a video of possibly will smith workin the moves and think to himself "This guys is "bad" ". This is not a very potent example but I hope the message is clear. That the internet may introduce these new generations with a lot of bad, it's so expansive that it incites curiosity within us about everything bad or good.

The world is our oyster.

The point of this post was to stress that in this new time we have the capability/ability to be who we really are and thrive. I have done some self refection lately and realized that there are still so many instances where I could be more truthful, more open. Instances where I was afraid of other's thoughts of me, of me being possibly too extreme. NO LONGER (which will be achieved in small steps, through periods of self improvement). In real terms I just want to be more honest and less self conscious. Relationships are the most important aspect of human existence. Relationships are like a frequency, the more similar the wavelengths the better they go together. I will only be able to find people like me if I show who I truly am.

Sweet and Sour

So I was thinking about the sweet and sour theory. That there must be pain for there to be happiness and vice versa. That's just so clear cut, like black and white. There are opposites one of Foer's biggest motifs in extremely loud. Now I'm not going to talk about balance and what lies in between, but at the same time I am. What if life isn't just a line with two ends but a sphere? Many, many different ends and lots of space in the middle. The feelings of sweet and sour don't need to be measured a long a line of how extreme they are but in what context. I know this sounds like more jibber jabber but I'm getting to the point. The feelings of lose and gain are sour and sweet, but what of losing a child vs. losing soccer game or gaining a significant other vs. gaining endurance. One could say that the second thing mentioned is less valuable, but is it? What if a poor mother in the farmland of china has a miscarriage? This will be heartbreaking but what if (just what if) she thought to herself that there is the possibility that that same baby could be born into a wealthy family in the United States. Would she be happy or sad? Probably both. Yet how much of each? That is what is up for interpretation. Yes the interpretation is influenced by experience and I have no experience in having children and cannot wrap my young naive mind around the magnitude of losing a child. It is probably (more undoubtedly) the worst tragedy to a single human. Yet there could be hope. In the darkest corner there is light. NOW, what if an 18 boy trying out for the Barcelona professional soccer team? He has put all his time and effort into achieving this opportunity. To be accepted would mean years of pursuing his most fond dream of living his passion. Just what if the fates align and he is not accepted. Wouldn't this be probably the worst tragedy of his life so far. How would he handle this? The point of all this is to prove that the measurement of these tragedies in comparison is impossible. But more that every tragedy and every blessing is up for interpretation. The most important interpretation is that of who is being affected the most like the mother or the boy. With how much happiness and sadness do they interpret the event? The whole point I'm trying to get to is the interpretation of the magnitude of happiness and sadness by the interpreter as well as the situation of the event.

Man am I rambling.

This is just so hard to put into words.

What kind of sour is it? How much sweet? It's all up to your taste buds who are under YOUR control. I am not one to have faced lots of adversity but I know that we are the ones in control of our life and those unable to strap in and realize this become those "watching life like a TV". I have no idea what either of the tragedies I mentioned in the latter are like, but I know, deep down in my young and naive heart that picking one's self back up is up to the one on the ground. When life has thrown a baseball in your face, don't you know have a baseball to throw back or keep in your arsenal (of experiences)? The grandfather's tragic experience snowballed. The more your problems snowball the harder it is to stop the effect. Maybe the grandfather didn't have what it took to stop it, or maybe he did. Questions, questions. What has happened is absolute and engraved in stone. Yet that doesn't mean that what happened has affected everyone in the same way. Yes, the farther something sways to the sour side of the spectrum the harder it is to find sweetness in it and vice versa. The absolute most minimal of minimal of good came out of the bombing of Hiroshima. Words cannot describe how horrible and awful an event such as that was. The only good was the knowledge to not let it happen again. Yet war rages on in the middle east. Why? God dammit tell me why! I don't understand how we can spend all this time studying our pasts to benefit our future and not act upon this gained knowledge. It's like when a mouse has to find it's way though a maze; it knows the right way from previous experience of being wrong yet still takes the opposite path because it doesn't want to put in the effort of choosing a path that LOOKS more dangerous but truly is not. It's like in Finding Nemo when the school of fish stress that Dorey and Marlin (i think) should go through not over the ditch/crevasse. Yet, when they reach it they didn't make sure to remember and thus go over not through and bad things happen. Such a strange connection but it works.

I've strayed somewhat off topic. To sum up this gigantic rambling of a post I'd like to say that there is always light in the darkness you just have to be open to seeing it and have faith that it is real. Because it is real. Because where there is sadness there must be happiness. I'm starting to think that this is true with all opposites.

Oskar

No not Holden, Oskar. I have an incredibly strong connection with Oskar. Talking about feeling too much, I completely relate. So, basically I was thinking, if everyone had the courage/wit/ability to express everything they felt of thought in complete and utter honesty, what would the world be like? I personally think it would not be happier or sadder but both. Extremes would just become extremely more extreme. Our highs would be higher than we could ever imagine just the same as the low of our lows. The truth would be so revealing and make everything so clear cut for our brain to process, honestly I think they'd crash like computers. But with everything being so truthful, for things to stay clear of entropy everything would have to be expressed in full context with full perspective to look at something truly truthfully. If a girl is ugly one would have to be honest and tell her that she is ugly BUT then within the same moment of saying that, one would have to say all things she's good at, can do, can't do, has done, could do. Now you see what I mean about an overload. I wonder if we could instantaneously balance the pros and cons we wouldn't have any emotions because we'd interpret something with full clarity and thus have no need to react with emotion. Would that make life boring? I guess in the truth I just laid out for myself it doesn't really matter, because this world of complete honesty and clear cut interpretation will never exist. Thus we must work with what we have and accept the challenge to be the best human possible. Sounds so easy on paper doesn't it.

United We Stand, Divided We Slouch

This post is about metaphorical slouching. I am posting twice today (two short ones) because this is all I want to spend my time doing and I feel bad for never posting during the weekend (even thought it isn't part of my schedule). This post is about the thought of unification between all the students in our school. In a recent post I mentioned how if everyone exchanged "I appreciate you"(s) instead of hellos the school would rapidly become closer as a whole. I'm not really sure if this is just too good to be true but it would be incredible.

There is just so much competition in our school. Competition between grades, sports, and relationships. It really tears us apart. Sure it's only natural but is that an excuse? Most of the wounds are formed from bullying. (Please don't stop reading just because I mentioned it). When I was in health class probably a month or two ago we talked about bullying and I thought to myself "This doesn't happen in our school, and even if it does, it doesn't affect me. This is a waste of my time." It is uncommon but the little that does happen is more quiet. I'm not a fan of calling people out but every Spanish class I see *** ****** say "*******" to **** *****. It may be an acquired nickname but it really ticks me off. Just because *** is insecure and wants to bolster the approval from his friends doesn't mean he can use a nickname to make a peer of mine look weak and unwanted. I'm tired of it. Some could say it's not my business but honestly it shouldn't be anyone's business; it shouldn't happen. Nicknames are unacceptable, we are given our names at birth and they become a huge part of our identity and should not be stripped from us.

Even small amounts of bullying, even unspoken bullying divides us as a school. In separation we are ALL alone. This was more of a rant, but to find the material for a second post I had to vent.

On a side note I am very fond of a closing signature/trademark on a friend's blog. If anyone has any ideas of something similar I've love to know.

Priorties

Man are those things important. With the busy lives we've created for ourselves in this new century, balanced and reasonable priorities are the key to almost all success. The reason I bring this up is because tomorrow I have a large science test and the last one didn't go perfectly so in theory I'd need to do better on this one to stabilize my grade. But, instead of studying more I wanted to blog. In my mind becoming a better English student and sharpening my blogging skills are just so much more important than being able to explain all of cellular respiration. Am I being too naive? Am I putting all my eggs in one basket? In a recent conversation with a peer who asked whether I was a good student or not I replied (without thought or premonition) "I'm a good student when I care". I thought about it afterwords; it sounds arrogant and naive but honestly it makes the most sense to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to die alone, homeless and jobless because I can't get my priorities straight. But then on the other hand I tell myself that "straight" is just the mainstream and what is expected of you. Varun tells me that I should count my blessings and that things could be so much worse; I believe him and it makes me feel like a lazy, waste of oxygen but then hours later I find it sooooo much easier to put effort into what I enjoy and what intrigues me. Of course like all teenagers I am still naive in the sense that I should be putting more effort in trying to be intrigued by science in depth but I'm a teenager and I want to think like one (as long as I am one). Quite the dilemma I have here. Then again, most everything I've posted on this blog has been a dilemma. And in respect to the epitome of dilemmas I give you "why does anyone make love?". It's a very mature question literally but metaphorically (I think) it means "why open yourself up if you will be hurt"? Not that this quoted dilemma was the focus of this post I just wanted to include one of the only things that has been on my mind lately.

Appreciation

So, those that have followed multiple posts know that I bring appreciation up a lot. More than just any fond idea. My realization of the importance of this came from my first year at a camp in Colorado called Cheley camps. The name is from the name of the guy who founded it, Frank Cheley. On a little tangent this guy was a genius because he knew that teenagers and mountains mix extremely well. I'll leave my full thoughts on mountains for another post. This post is about a unit leader (6 units, younger boys lower ski hi, middle boys, ski hi, my unit older boys Haiyaha, older girds Senior Chipeta, middle girls Chipeta, and younger girls lower Chipeta) named Sean Ness. Sean (22 years old) was a very calm, collected guy, a very good leader for a group of 40 14-17 year old guys. But in my first week of camp I sometimes witness some of the veterans somewhat jokingly telling Sean that they appreciated him. In return he'd say "I appreciate you". I soon picked up the trend and like the others, said it with a somewhat jokingly tone. (Hold on I'm getting to the point here) But whenever Sean would say "I appreciate you" he'd say it with full honesty. Every time I heard it I'd get this little chill down my spine. At the time I was unaware of it's power. When I returned this summer I was a year older but more lost. Ninth grade was very confusing and I wasn't really sure I wanted to go back to camp and leave school because school was all I knew. But when I say Sean Ness and we exchanged "I appreciate you"(s) I had this epiphany. It made me feel sooooo good and I understood why the other boys persisted with the trend. It felt good to be told that yet they said it with the jokingly tone because saying something like that requires a level of openness which can be scary and sometimes when scared and confused why their scared all one can do is laugh. If only we could all be this open with each other. I appreciate each person in my grade for something, somehow, and that is completely and utterly honest. If each person in the 10th grade required appreciation from me I could give it to them for at least one reason. Everyone is special to another in some way. Just imagine if everyone started exchanging "I appreciate you"(s) instead of hellos. Can you imagine how much happier and motivated we'd be. Of course to receive the happiness and motivation one must open up and except that the appreciation is real and not thin and frail. I really disliked it in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close when Ada Black (the rich one) disliked how Oskar complimented her maid. She thought that he was addressing her in a condescending tone because she (Ada) assumed that Oskar didn't fully mean it. This is one of our problems as humans, we assume that anything that sounds too good to be true isn't. Well why the hell can't it be. We've subconsciously grown an unnecessary pescimistic tendency that needs to be managed.

I don't know if I have the courage to start a trend such as the one I've mentioned. But as I've learned "no one does it alone" (so I'd need help) and all the trees in the forest started as acorns. This is all I have to say. The story was long and the point small, but I hope you can still appreciate it; after all, that is the most important trait of our existence.

A Moment if You Will

It took me only a moment to realize that I apologized in my last post for not including extreme length. This is not necessary. Life is very good right now. My high moments are higher than ever before and I refuse to regret my lows, learn from them and then immediately move on. I have good friends, I'm appreciated, and needed, all that a human needs to survive (emotionally). So I really don't have a lot to vent about, not a lot of weight on my chest. Those closest to me also seem to be doing very well and that just makes me feel even better because I have no need to preach to them, for they have life under control as well. High school is the most confusing time in one's life, if we pass it with flying colors think about how successful we'll be in the years to come. I am learning the power of optimism, even in the small things. When Tom Fischer plays the song "Heartbreak" (or something of the sort) the lady singing says "some heartbreak" over and over again, but when I hear it I think she's saying "so happy" and hearing someone say that repeatedly with a light voice, to a catchy tune never gets old. The point of this post was not to gloat about my current predicament but to inform my intrepid and intellectual followers that I will probably be posting shorter posts with little snip its of knowledge (to the schedule) and when I need to vent I have a perfect place. I look forward to the days still livable.

I Must Apologize

My posts recently have been short. My blog should come first, I'm just not putting it first. Only in the future can my blogging augment and therefore I ask of my followers to take the little that I have to give only to know that there is more to come. I currently have six minutes until I have to go to bed to make up for lost sleep last night and be ready for the days to come. It only matters what I do with that time. When time is short and as always is, of the essence, the will to act is necessary. With the four minutes remaining I must let all that waits out. What I have to offer is: your intuition is your sub-conscious use of previous knowledge. Your brain conducts deductive reasoning faster than you can imagine. If you spend your time with assumptions, you will only assume and pick the wrong door. Instead choose the door based on your moral conscious, what you feel is right. I know that this sounds like jibber jabber. It is. I present to the reader the challenge of finding meaning in my inability to depict what I have to offer. Until next time when things have only improved.

A Quick Thought

This is going to be a short post because I didn't plan very well and spent my evening doing everything else besides this. I mentioned the "what if everything is stimulus" idea in the previous post. Well, most of the stimulus of this modern world is from taking in. There is also the stimulus from putting out like blogging. What about passion. Not directed passion like for a person or thing. Instead, passion from the heart yet circulating within the heart. When I think about how something I want to define me is being a "true man", to not let any form of adversity block, halter or misdirect my stride. When I think about scaling the tallest wall in life it lights a fire inside of me. I know it's just adrenalin but at the same time it's something more. It's self conceived and thus I can use such fire to light my way on the darkest of paths. Life is to be lived. Now go into the world and live.

A Raison d'etre

(This is a chronological thought process) So on the car ride back from Thanksgiving I was thinking about how we can explain the nature of perceiving things through vision. We know that the Sun produces U.V. rays with a white color (the combination of all colors) and the only color(s) not reflected by an object (I think this is right) is the color that our brain interprets. Then we know about the smallest building blocks of all things all the way up to why rocks are rigid. Then I thought about hearing. We do know about vibration and the sort but hearing just seems to be a much less understood perceptive tool. I questioned why music gives us different emotions (this I am still dumbfounded by). Yet on the other hand I thought about how music that is catchy and enjoyed by the mass has a quick beat, thus stimulus. This really disheartened me. One aspect of this world that I could simply just explain with: "stimulus". Then I thought; is everything stimulus? Created to survive and reproduce we are little more than robots. No matter how you slice it we as a race (though self aware) are still very young in the development of our brain. We may "over think" the world and create philosophies and imagine yet our body still interprets everything as stimulus. Now that I've put this into words I really am not sure what to think of it. I want a raison d'etre. Well...I feel like I do. There are people who appreciate me, I have a bed to sleep on, prepared meals, and (am receiving) a proper education. Life ain't hard, but wait, then why do I feel that it's difficult. The only way I can explain this is through the hierarchy of needs that when you need food, all you think about is food, when you need shelter, all you think about it shelter. But when all of the basic needs are situated and certain then one has the time to think about other things. People without these certain basic needs do truly have a greater weight on their shoulders yet may not realize it. Maybe that's why so many communities in Africa are so happy when not worrying about the food that is not for certain. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to justify my unhappiness and yet other times I feel I'm just trying to explore myself. I'm surprised Oskar isn't more depressed than he already is because not only has he lost his father but he also carries the weight of philosophy. I wonder if by pursuing philosophy I could help the world. Maybe by spreading what my insight others could take and thus not have to carry the same burden. But I'm probably just cutting myself a bigger piece of the cake than I deserve. The only comfort that is for certain within me and cannot be questioned upon self exploration is that even if everything was taken from me or I had to leave everything tangible, I would still have my memories and what I've written. The second I push publish post I have really DONE something. And that makes me feel good. I'll take that as my biggest raison d'etre.

Holden...again.

So in an earlier post I mentioned how sometimes I really feel like Holden does, calling all others phonies without taking the time to meet them and find out. Just this past afternoon I was looking at my blog and the English blog, saw how only a few (who I appreciate) comment on my posts, out of 12 or 13 which is less than a tenth. It discerns me at times. Then on the English blog I put up a post about my first thoughts on the new book for English class. Even if they were somewhat naive and critical I was still putting in my time and effort to contribute and hope for feedback. But I don't really get any. It's very easy to put yourself out there when staring at a computer screen so you'd think that it would be easy for (even slightly) socially conscious people to do the same and respond/contribute. At first I thought that I'm just difficult to talk to/interact with in general, but recently I've been feeling invisible. The point of this post was to portray how I can relate to Holden's "want to be needed by those that he wants to feel needed by", a catcher of the falling children if you will. Yet most of my bad moods are caused by snowballing problems and burdens. This time it was primed by Asha shooting down a few of my ideas in class and not giving me the airtime I sometimes (when I'm greedy) feel I deserve. In my naive state of mind I think "why do these others kids deserve the airtime if they're not working as hard as me?". At first I really envied Asha's sense of individualism and opinionated ways (and liking cross country). Thus I strove to be the ultimate English dork, but know I'm thinking to myself "Is this the right kind of English dork?". The only true solution to this dilemma is to take as much from the class as possible then compare it to my class next year. Being shot down in one of your strongest areas is never fun. Tomorrow morning I'll be in a car ride to Maryland with this dilemma in the back of my mind. Life really is peculiar isn't it.

It's funny, I just read those last 4 sentences back to myself and realized how much they jumped. I still have a ways to go in this life thing; even if there's a lot of Spanish class, cauliflower, ignorant people, crazy family, shot down moments, I just have to keep in mind that someday I could run in college, write a nominated book, find a significant other, or even just be told that I'm appreciated. There's always hope, but the light is dim so you have to look for it.

The Future

One of my biggest issues is the anxiety I feel when pondering about how my life will turn out. It is cloaked in uncertainty and troubles me. Yet, at the same time I know I will make the best of it. It's like the nervousness before a race; I feel nervous about how I will do yet at the same time I know I will do well. It's like the mind is taking the small possibility of something going wrong and amplifying it so that it blocks focus on any other outcome. I worry that I won't find the incentive to go start my career and sit at home wasting away like a cousin of mine. I worry that "life will happen", I'll lose all my money in a bank transfer and be forced into bankruptcy. Honesty to portray my worry I'd have to map out all the possible things that could go wrong to send my life on a downhill path. The thing is, that even if forced into poverty I'd still have a chance to be a good person and chase (not reach(b/c in essence unreachable)) happiness. The fuel behind that thought that happiness is unreachable is that life is a race, not a finish line (and in the end it's with yourself). Now that I think about it there really is very little to worry about. I have it much easier than most other kids. My parents will probably pay for the majority of college tuition and afterwords (I have planed with a friend) to spend a year working in Jackson Hole, Wyoming for (the money to buy) food and lift tickets (ski bum year). Then hopefully move to Main to work for a community service gig that provides meals and room+board and spend your days working (on houses and such). Or if it doesn't work out I could join the peace corps. This all sound fine and dandy on paper but there are many aspects/fees I'm not taking into account plus all the possibilities of it not working out; then there's the possibility that I just wouldn't be able to find the incentive to move on with the plan and waste away not working or doing anything for this world. The time we have on this planet is so precious every second that I spend wasting it I feel guilt for. This is why my addiction to video games has been so problematic; I could spend my time running, skiing, blogging, reading, writing, exploring, hiking, traveling and all the other productive activities available to me, yet at this point in time the video games can seem the most appealing because of their instant gratification and stimulation. I look at what I just said and feel troubled, but what right do I have to feel troubled. Many other kids in much worse situations would love to have my problems over theirs. I guess life is tough no matter how you slice it or what pair of goggles you view it through. In a way I wish that this blog was read by the entire school and that everyone was open enough to respond. I really am curious about what others' take on the high school experience. In the latter I forgot to mention how pondering the future doesn't just give anxiety but also promotes curiosity about how the our lives will play out. Where we'll go, what we'll do, it really is exciting in a way. After some thought I realize that whether I am successful by society's terms or not the most difficult part of life will be staying true even when the world looks grim through the goggles of that moment.

Schedule

Who ever thought I'd be making a schedule for a recreational activity. For those who follow this persistently (who I sincerely appreciate) I apologize for not posting yesterday night. My schedule as of Sunday this week (11/27) (because I can't post while in Maryland for thanksgiving) will continue as Sunday night through Thursday night. If there is something on my mind during the weekend I will probably make a post but I want to finalize a schedule on the weekly basis. The reason for not posting last night was simply because "life happens", unexpected things came up, I didn't plan well enough and didn't have time to post. Yup.

Composure

So, after a long day I really just want to compress. I could go on and on about people I dislike or what frustrates me but I choose not to. I choose not to because deep down a little implanted voice reminds me that what is written is forever and will determine how I am remembered when I'm gone. There are times when I feel there are people in this world who really don't deserve to breathe my oxygen, I can admit it, and I bet others can too. Yet that voice tells me yet again that everyone born into this world will affect it. Since I believe there is an absolute balance between good and bad/evil I can say that whether that person's affect is negative or positive it has moved the world forward. Only with negativity can the individuals of this world be prompted to retaliate with optimism. These thoughts comfort me and help me move on from my petty dispute with others. So the next time you tease someone for who they are, laugh at a joke just because a friend is or do anything that afterwords you reflect on with feelings of moral discomfort remember that your actions now will be the oils of the portrait in which you are displayed when gone. This may seem like a burden to think that your every day is a test of your significance but its truly not a burden. If you are only yourself and no one else it will be so much easier to forgive yourself for mistakes. There are a lot of yous in this post. It's not that my individualism is on solid ground its just that I worry about the majority losing themselves rather than just a single person (myself).

Scar Tissue

Yes the title of this post is a reference to the Red Hot Chili Peppers song. It is also the name of Anthony Kiedis's autobiography, and for good reason. The deeper the scar the longer it takes to heal but only stronger is the skin that grows back in its place. Whenever you push the limits or go farther than before you know have and know what it takes. Thus the farther you push, the more you are empowered. The word hardship tends to have a specific meaning within conversation but I see it as anything that is difficult that you must overcome to move forward; any type of obstruction in your path. Whatever doesn't stop you only makes you stronger. With every step you take that you previously thought you couldn't, with every rock you step over, dodge or scale is more strength to tackle the next challenge. We as humans learn from experience. The uncertain is dangerous and (coincidentally) uncertain. But if a rock is in your path and you think its impassable and divert onto another path to your left/right then this situation could re-occur and soon enough your moving sideways. There is always going to be a rock too tall to scale by yourself. That is why we are not lone wolves but social animals. Receiving help isn't cheating yourself, but instead duplicating the strength received for overcoming the new hardship and dividing the rewards for both team members. No one has made it to where they stand today alone. But there will come a time when the rock is present in your path and the woods around you are silent. Two inches taller than anything you've ever encountered and no assistance to call upon. The decision to move forward is now of ever most importance. Excellence is a choice, a choice in which only intuition and experience can assist you.

Cross Country is life. Life is Cross Country

Advice is only reflection of experience recycled for a higher value.

An Interesting Contradiction

So, on the daily drive to school in the morning I always find myself looking out the window at the other people driving alongside us. I am so curious about where they're going, what they plan to do and pretty much all aspects of their being. The contradiction mentioned in the title refers to the fact that if given the chance to inspect these people I might/probably wouldn't jump on the opportunity. The reason behind this is that strangers are filled with uncertainty. Even though the probability is low the human brain has been trained through millions of years of evolution to plan for the worst. Even though all eyes aren't on us we still act like the latter is true. It's very curious in of itself. The fact that our curiosity intrigues us about the world around us yet we sit in fear of the preposterous possibilities our mind creates. It's like sitting at a window overlooking the vast view and thinking about how beautiful it is, yet your mind tells you all about how you'll have to jump out the window to get there. Truly though, blinded by the corrupting sense of possible threats you don't realize at first glance that the drop is only four feet. This is why we have that saying "don't judge a book by its cover" because at first glance we have so little of the information needed to fully analyze the certain something. Only recently, possibly with the embrace of the Scarlet letter, have I learned that just by acts of shallowness one cannot be judged. We all wear masks, thick or thin doesn't matter for its only natural to want to fit in. Just remember that the thinner the mask the better idea others get of what's underneath. (I am not the best preacher practicer but do not let my possibly hypocrisy corrupt the message)

How We Wander

So, I'm wondering what is a better tool for wandering: questioning or reflection? So in my previous posts I've talked about experiences and possibilities for growth. This is great way to wander within myself but only allows for others to take and doesn't invite them to give. A true English Dork can not only analyze but question. So I thought I would offer some questions to stoke intellectualism:

At what point has a life reached its end?

Is knowledge of a nonexistent (in my beliefs) afterlife an incentive to make use of this life or squander it with simple comforts?

What is the most one can give? (Giving tree reference)

Is love like sugar in that too much is unhealthy?

Can one love a friend? What are love's limits?

In the saying "change the wheel", what is the "wheel" metaphoric for?

Does the caboose weigh down the train?

Can a blind man see?

Is your past a ball and chain or the base of the shoes in which you walk?

Why is 2 the most predominant number?

When you go with the flow can you still foresee the rapids?

That little light of your's, are you gonna let it shine?

This is just a handful of questions to ponder as we stumble through these high school years.

The Affect You Have

So, something stirring about in my mind recently has been my thoughts on a discussion I had with the reverend of my Church (Congregationalist). I talked with him over the dinner me and many kids from Glastonbury who attend this church have before CCD type classes. I was confirmed last year but still attend because I have no other connection with kids from Glastonbury and its also very interesting. I have always been mystified by my reverend in his ability to constantly be humble, accepting, intrigued and forgiving. He talks a lot about his years in Africa and other places around the world, so it's apparent that much of his wisdom comes from his experiences abroad. We were discussing my grandmother who is currently in a healing center in Glastonbury for a broken arm and hip that she received from a fall. Unfortunately that is the lesser of her problems for she is far into the stages of Alzheimer's. It is quite sad watching this incredibly enthusiastic and extroverted woman slowly lose the world. I told my reverend, in my naive nature, that if I were put in such a situation where I could no longer think, I would like to be put down for my time in this world is finished. He respected my stance but questioned whether I had taken into account what kind of affect that would have on my family/those around me. I am an incredibly introverted person and have difficulty interacting with others and thus relationships with people aren't always my first priority. My reverend told me that his value of life was relationships and that when he could no longer continue or support such a relationship that would be his finish line. I thought about that and was curious to the nature of this because a relationship could be so simple, even greeting someone. He told me about how the affect you have on others can be greater than the affects you have on yourself. This is such a mind boggling idea to me/(us as humans) because we are individualistic, both on the upside and downside. We live to explore ourselves and the relationship with ourselves and the world around us. We were born to have me, myself and I as the first priorities. Selfishness is only natural yet it can be destructive, so it must be regulated. An intriguing thought I had about this was that I see things from first person. When not looking into any type of reflective glass, I cannot see how I appear. I know from simple knowledge that this is the same for all people. Yet it is still difficult to grasp because we cannot fully experience "someone else's shoes" and therefore forget that others are not just projections that we perceive but human beings exactly like ourselves.

Possibly the most difficult aspect of this life is not exploring ourselves perhaps but exploring others. I know that I would love for someone to ask me how I feel about something but few do as my answers seem to be "complicated". On the flip side people seem defensive sometimes when you ask to much because opening up yourself to someone else can be a vulnerable situation that makes some uncomfortable. Yet nevertheless I don't stick myself out there enough and will have to sometime or anther. It is just so much easier to open myself up on this blog where the risk of persecution is very low. I have come to learn the small things in life can be monumental. Just recently I was having a very bad day as I fell witness to my ever growing isolation. For the first half of the day no one initiated conversation with me, not even a teacher which was discerning. Then (if I may) Mr. Baker said "hi" to me as I was walking to his history class. The smallest thing to ever ask for and yet it made me feel so much better to know that I'm not invisible. I know that my isolation is primarily my own doing but as a knowledgeable human being I refuse to try to change (many, not all) of my peers. My affect on others is probably smaller than many's. Yet it will be a constructive challenge to keep in mind that my smallest actions will change the world forever. (butterfly's wings in china: hurricane in the west)

Holden

So when I read "Catcher in the Rye" I was not a fan of how much whining Holden did. He constantly called others phonies because of their misplaced values and the mask they wear. I never understood why Holden would never stick himself out there to meet these people and discover if they truly are phonies. Recently I have come to see the phoniness in many of my piers and the people I observe each day. But honestly who could blame them. We live in a harsh world where appearance can mean everything. How you present youself on a first impression can be vital to the development of a relationship. It is unfortunate but it is the truth. Only at the current time when I truly feel isolated do I understand Holden's issue. He has gotten to the point where he assumes all people aren't worth meeting. He feels that all those times he stuck himself out there it ended only in dissapointment. He figures that others should come to him to prove their worthiness. No matter how inaffective this state of mind is, it is one that I unfortunatly somtimes share. I witness so many people each day who I wonder to myself "Do they really deserve the time they have been given on this planet?". I ask the same of myself and only find difficulty in the truth that all the minutes I spend being bitter over the people I feel don't deserve to breathe my air is time wasted and less time on the clock to prove myself. The disdain and dissatisfaction I hold bundled within myself only hinders but it's difficult to accept that my situation isn't changing anytime soon. This is such a pescimistic post but its hard to be optomistic when so few care to show you just that.

Initiation

The name of this blog is inspired by the fact that in the United States we are entitled to freedom of speech and press, two very important statues of our nation. On the internet, all things that are posted are "said" so these posts are not my thoughts but how I choose to word them. It came to me that thoughts are not very threatening at a first hand look because since only the creator knows about them they have not affected anyone else. The point is that the most magnificent tool of communication is within one's head presented in thoughts. The brain is an incredibly powerful thing and to our knowledge has no limitations in its control over the body. One can convince them self of anything and explore everywhere. I believe that the most important thoughts are those of reflection. Only through reflection can we learn from mistakes and grow or "change the wheel". This blog is my tool to reflect. It is probable that in the beginning of this blog's life it will contain conversations partially with myself over my thoughts from the past day, things I've seen or new experiences. Like all humans I fear this world. I fear having to stick my self out there and take risks but these risks are primarily within interacting with people. I live in fear of judgement from others when truly I know that the world's eyes are most certainly not on me and that slightly produces my problem. Not many are there to here my voice. There are no more than a couple of people outside my parents who would take the time for me to express my thoughts verbally. I am forever grateful of these people but it pains me to know that so few care. Of course time is always of the essence and I never seem to have anything "necessary" to say so I have learned to keep conversations to a minimum as they only lead to discern. When I am asked a question, (in public/real life) I have learned to answer quickly and directly. This is effective as it allows me to survive but it is so dis-satisfactory to my need of expression. With a blog I can present my thoughts in a written form for all who do care to view when and if they please.