Misplaced

Currently I feel misplaced. Like this life thing is something I didn't sign up for. During the diversity activity today, I watched as the entirety of my class couldn't accept each other and sat quietly praying that they wouldn't have to do anything embarrassing or revealing. This partly also reflects me. After only a couple of words to support the more courageous Sam Wiseman's comments I'm subject to subtle mocking afterwords. Who wants this? Why do we do this as humans? Such broken beings. I didn't even really hurt me, I'm just baffled by humans. I don't know why i expect so much from my peers or myself. Sometimes I blame it on my misinterpretation of my dad's representation of standards. I have developed the view that life is 60% bad, 40% good. I see and experience so much subtle misery, sorrow and disappointment every day. No one notices each other experiencing it and doesn't know how to treat it upon realization because it's so subtle. The immediate cure (whether right or wrong) seems to be all entertainment, to distract us from this pettiness. Everyday I want to insert myself as far as I can into my game and music to avoid this plague that is teenage hood. Another immediate cure is being away from school and all that I know, in beautiful scenes like mountains and valleys. The long term cure (based on the word of all adults) seems to be graduating. I want it very bad. Even to waste away in an alley in Seattle, I want to have finished school (in other words what is "expected" of me in this life) to that I may rest in peace. I'm not religious, nor superstitious, nor do I like humans, I believe in the Earth, the balance and beauty of nature and the beauty of our senses (hearing for music and sounds especially); I don't plan to leave a mark on this world because it will eventually wear off, I plan to do my time and then rest. I want to just stop and let the course of the universe sort out this humanity thing. This has been a rant, but now I feel better.

Pets

I am one who enjoys the Sunday comics. I specifically enjoy Mutts, jumpstart, foxtrot etc. Two or so sundays ago, Mutts had a single frame comic that included a man lying in bed with his dog on top with a look of unmatched loyalty. Above was a quote (addressing the dog) "My heart is ever at your service -Shakespeare". Not a lot makes one genuinely happy; this did. I have two cats currently; had a dog until 4 or 5 years ago, and desire the company of another. Pets are like adoring little brothers or sisters without a hint of negativity or judgment but even more enthusiasm.

Thought #3

Do I belong here? That is the question. Right now I say no. For reason or not I cannot forsee a future in which I'd be able to say either. From which would I base fact.

Thought #2

If there's no positive recent events, what do I have to prove that I'm a person worth the air. And given the tools how does one prove it to them self.

Thought #1

Valentine's day is a day about love. Love seems too scary to think about for a whole day.

Reality

Ever have one of those moments where you go "wow, what is this? o wait its reality". This tends to include thinking that the presentation of images through your eyes is somewhat alien and that just for a second you forget who everyone is and where you are. About 5 minutes ago, I had one of those moments. I was looking at my dad as we were discussing my the terms for my history test and I asked myself "do i like this reality?". Not really a question of whether I like the fact that I have a test and the aspects of my current situation but more, "would I rather something else entirely". Quite trippy now that I think about it. The question of whether there are other realities incites a longing for it. For the time being, I'm still in this one. In a sense of survival (promoting fear of uncertainty) another reality is scary, yet still so intriguing. I guess that's why we generalize the Japanese as anime addicts.

I leave you with this: What's real?