Entropy/Randomness

In respect to Randomness: What if you could ride upside down waves?

Anyway.

The title happens to be what one receives when meeting someone new, personality primarily. Speculation can be made from a distance but only informs to an extent. I honestly wonder if two people have the same personality. The amount of dissapointment I'd feel to find that out is actually quite scary so I'll try to move forward with the train wreck of a post.

Speaking of train wrecks, I watched Super 8 last weekend and it was phenomenal, Spielberg is quite the consistent fellow.

Is randomness bad? Well, obviously it can't be because it fuels our universe. To this day we can't predict how electrons and quarks move. It could be that the amount of possibilities would make your brain explode and thus we just can't imagine it. Biology has a lot of randomness in it, yet it's primarily facts.

As you can tell I'm quite jumpy, even at 11:00. Honestly it's just anxiety for my multiple multiple major assessments tomorrow. I DO care how I do on them, but at the same time all I want is to get them over with, which are quite generic feelings. What isn't generic is that I'm slightly excited about it. The challenge is just taunting me. I'll want to rush because after Friday....well you know...FREEDOM! At least in theory. The idea of having lot's of time to waste and just "stay" not come or go will be nice. Take a nap. "Take a shower, shine your shoes". Dispatch always had a way of being extremely into and passionate about their music while seeming completely relaxed. Maybe a little like passive aggression, the ultimate battle tactic.

I'm really not sure. I never am, if I was there wouldn't be a reason to continue living. That was supposed to be optimistic. I'll see ya on the other side.

Need

Today I was very depressed. I found it difficult to be motivated to do anything at all. This also happened to be the day that I meet with my psychologist. Of course I was feeling depressed but when venting everything is somewhat exaggerated. So I vented and was depressed for the rest of the day until I had a chat with my mom in the car about it and I told her that recently I haven't been connecting with my dad very well. Only to find that when he came home and we talked that he had the antidote for all my depression. He made me feel needed. Man did I cry, and man did it feel good. Not often does one admit to crying so I hope you approach the last statement with gentleness. I was so worried with being crushed under the pressures of the world (primarily because I got a D on a Bio test, my only honors class) and not being able to find a raison d'etre when truly my raisons are right in front of me. Those who make me feel needed and I need are the most important (to me) in this world. This is one of the reasons one of the only jobs I could probably ever motivate myself to do (in this stage of my life) would be, to be a psychologist, so that people could open themselves up to me. Different languages and the fear of vulnerability are the barriers between humans, and since relationships are the reason we exist these barriers must be conquered.

Short and Sweet

"Is is better to have had and lost than not having at at". This is the question. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to give up. Just to die, and not have to deal with the weight of the present. Then, hours later I move on. Why do we feel so much emotion? I guess one could ask if what was had and then lost, if it is really "lost". I wonder what I would think about this question in a time of depression. In a time of joy. I just wonder.

Almost Forgot to Post

It's really late. But my blog is important. Basically in the church school type classes on Wednesday that I've mentioned in the past, we talked about the home invasion in Cheshire. Thus we talked about the death penalty. It is a very heated topic, but can be interesting to talk about just because of the adrenalin of knowing that you're discussing something important that affects the mass. The only thing I can't stand is ignorance of another's point of view. That is not okay. But in need of vent and this being MY blog I thought I'd mention my thoughts on the death penalty. They're short and confined. And may sound abrupt and exclusionary but in truth I've thought a lot about the topic. I believe that no one, no matter the situation or act should be put to death. We are blessed with this experience that we call life to explore the real rather than just be nothing (or a possibility within the real). Thus to strip someone of this, no matter who they are is the ultimate crime. This also means that those who commit murder have committed the ultimate horror. Any taking of life is unjustified and I would like none of it in my world. To die a natural death is a blessing. I hope I am blessed. I also believe that (even though I am naive and not completely informed about what it means to have lost someone close to murder) that all who have taken a life should be forgiven, BUT must spend a large majority if not the rest of their lives in prison. There should be a chance to get out. I doubt that the resentment within a 20 year old murderer will EVER be still present within that same person in their 50s/60s. If the latter was true I'd say they're mislead and need psychiatric guidance. Back to forgiving; the action of killing is a sudden event. We as humans (in our destructive and horrid ways) have created tools to make killing as easy as stressing a finger. In the state of mind shrouded with hate, lust for revenge, and adrenalin the action of killing is very simple, and it happens so fast. Too fast for the killer to really think about the ramifications of killing someone, to strip someone of their blessed life. Thus they must be forgiven. But not let free from jurisdiction. These are my thoughts.

Individuality

So I was thinking about living in other time periods. The only way a noble could rise in power under Louis XIV was by befriending him and allying with him because of the way Louis set up his rule. That must have sucked. To have to give into intolerance, ignorance, hate, materialism even if you knew that it was wrong. I thought about the time we live in now. We have so much more opportunity. Many might say that our lives are restrained by the laws of society. WRONG. In this new time we have the ability to spread ideas faster than ever before. Individualism could affect the entire world if let. That is the focus of this quick thought, individualism. In the 17 century you could be put to death for any beliefs contrary to the king. Now (there are always exceptions) the world is much more accepting. Our generation has taken such a huge step forward in accepting other races, cultures, ethnicity, sexuality and just everything there is to be accepted. One could say that I'm just being naive but unless brainwashed by their parents, our generation has been intellectually enhanced by the diversity of the internet. A child whose parents say "Jimmy, blacks are bad" then goes on the internet to find a video of possibly will smith workin the moves and think to himself "This guys is "bad" ". This is not a very potent example but I hope the message is clear. That the internet may introduce these new generations with a lot of bad, it's so expansive that it incites curiosity within us about everything bad or good.

The world is our oyster.

The point of this post was to stress that in this new time we have the capability/ability to be who we really are and thrive. I have done some self refection lately and realized that there are still so many instances where I could be more truthful, more open. Instances where I was afraid of other's thoughts of me, of me being possibly too extreme. NO LONGER (which will be achieved in small steps, through periods of self improvement). In real terms I just want to be more honest and less self conscious. Relationships are the most important aspect of human existence. Relationships are like a frequency, the more similar the wavelengths the better they go together. I will only be able to find people like me if I show who I truly am.

Sweet and Sour

So I was thinking about the sweet and sour theory. That there must be pain for there to be happiness and vice versa. That's just so clear cut, like black and white. There are opposites one of Foer's biggest motifs in extremely loud. Now I'm not going to talk about balance and what lies in between, but at the same time I am. What if life isn't just a line with two ends but a sphere? Many, many different ends and lots of space in the middle. The feelings of sweet and sour don't need to be measured a long a line of how extreme they are but in what context. I know this sounds like more jibber jabber but I'm getting to the point. The feelings of lose and gain are sour and sweet, but what of losing a child vs. losing soccer game or gaining a significant other vs. gaining endurance. One could say that the second thing mentioned is less valuable, but is it? What if a poor mother in the farmland of china has a miscarriage? This will be heartbreaking but what if (just what if) she thought to herself that there is the possibility that that same baby could be born into a wealthy family in the United States. Would she be happy or sad? Probably both. Yet how much of each? That is what is up for interpretation. Yes the interpretation is influenced by experience and I have no experience in having children and cannot wrap my young naive mind around the magnitude of losing a child. It is probably (more undoubtedly) the worst tragedy to a single human. Yet there could be hope. In the darkest corner there is light. NOW, what if an 18 boy trying out for the Barcelona professional soccer team? He has put all his time and effort into achieving this opportunity. To be accepted would mean years of pursuing his most fond dream of living his passion. Just what if the fates align and he is not accepted. Wouldn't this be probably the worst tragedy of his life so far. How would he handle this? The point of all this is to prove that the measurement of these tragedies in comparison is impossible. But more that every tragedy and every blessing is up for interpretation. The most important interpretation is that of who is being affected the most like the mother or the boy. With how much happiness and sadness do they interpret the event? The whole point I'm trying to get to is the interpretation of the magnitude of happiness and sadness by the interpreter as well as the situation of the event.

Man am I rambling.

This is just so hard to put into words.

What kind of sour is it? How much sweet? It's all up to your taste buds who are under YOUR control. I am not one to have faced lots of adversity but I know that we are the ones in control of our life and those unable to strap in and realize this become those "watching life like a TV". I have no idea what either of the tragedies I mentioned in the latter are like, but I know, deep down in my young and naive heart that picking one's self back up is up to the one on the ground. When life has thrown a baseball in your face, don't you know have a baseball to throw back or keep in your arsenal (of experiences)? The grandfather's tragic experience snowballed. The more your problems snowball the harder it is to stop the effect. Maybe the grandfather didn't have what it took to stop it, or maybe he did. Questions, questions. What has happened is absolute and engraved in stone. Yet that doesn't mean that what happened has affected everyone in the same way. Yes, the farther something sways to the sour side of the spectrum the harder it is to find sweetness in it and vice versa. The absolute most minimal of minimal of good came out of the bombing of Hiroshima. Words cannot describe how horrible and awful an event such as that was. The only good was the knowledge to not let it happen again. Yet war rages on in the middle east. Why? God dammit tell me why! I don't understand how we can spend all this time studying our pasts to benefit our future and not act upon this gained knowledge. It's like when a mouse has to find it's way though a maze; it knows the right way from previous experience of being wrong yet still takes the opposite path because it doesn't want to put in the effort of choosing a path that LOOKS more dangerous but truly is not. It's like in Finding Nemo when the school of fish stress that Dorey and Marlin (i think) should go through not over the ditch/crevasse. Yet, when they reach it they didn't make sure to remember and thus go over not through and bad things happen. Such a strange connection but it works.

I've strayed somewhat off topic. To sum up this gigantic rambling of a post I'd like to say that there is always light in the darkness you just have to be open to seeing it and have faith that it is real. Because it is real. Because where there is sadness there must be happiness. I'm starting to think that this is true with all opposites.

Oskar

No not Holden, Oskar. I have an incredibly strong connection with Oskar. Talking about feeling too much, I completely relate. So, basically I was thinking, if everyone had the courage/wit/ability to express everything they felt of thought in complete and utter honesty, what would the world be like? I personally think it would not be happier or sadder but both. Extremes would just become extremely more extreme. Our highs would be higher than we could ever imagine just the same as the low of our lows. The truth would be so revealing and make everything so clear cut for our brain to process, honestly I think they'd crash like computers. But with everything being so truthful, for things to stay clear of entropy everything would have to be expressed in full context with full perspective to look at something truly truthfully. If a girl is ugly one would have to be honest and tell her that she is ugly BUT then within the same moment of saying that, one would have to say all things she's good at, can do, can't do, has done, could do. Now you see what I mean about an overload. I wonder if we could instantaneously balance the pros and cons we wouldn't have any emotions because we'd interpret something with full clarity and thus have no need to react with emotion. Would that make life boring? I guess in the truth I just laid out for myself it doesn't really matter, because this world of complete honesty and clear cut interpretation will never exist. Thus we must work with what we have and accept the challenge to be the best human possible. Sounds so easy on paper doesn't it.

United We Stand, Divided We Slouch

This post is about metaphorical slouching. I am posting twice today (two short ones) because this is all I want to spend my time doing and I feel bad for never posting during the weekend (even thought it isn't part of my schedule). This post is about the thought of unification between all the students in our school. In a recent post I mentioned how if everyone exchanged "I appreciate you"(s) instead of hellos the school would rapidly become closer as a whole. I'm not really sure if this is just too good to be true but it would be incredible.

There is just so much competition in our school. Competition between grades, sports, and relationships. It really tears us apart. Sure it's only natural but is that an excuse? Most of the wounds are formed from bullying. (Please don't stop reading just because I mentioned it). When I was in health class probably a month or two ago we talked about bullying and I thought to myself "This doesn't happen in our school, and even if it does, it doesn't affect me. This is a waste of my time." It is uncommon but the little that does happen is more quiet. I'm not a fan of calling people out but every Spanish class I see *** ****** say "*******" to **** *****. It may be an acquired nickname but it really ticks me off. Just because *** is insecure and wants to bolster the approval from his friends doesn't mean he can use a nickname to make a peer of mine look weak and unwanted. I'm tired of it. Some could say it's not my business but honestly it shouldn't be anyone's business; it shouldn't happen. Nicknames are unacceptable, we are given our names at birth and they become a huge part of our identity and should not be stripped from us.

Even small amounts of bullying, even unspoken bullying divides us as a school. In separation we are ALL alone. This was more of a rant, but to find the material for a second post I had to vent.

On a side note I am very fond of a closing signature/trademark on a friend's blog. If anyone has any ideas of something similar I've love to know.

Priorties

Man are those things important. With the busy lives we've created for ourselves in this new century, balanced and reasonable priorities are the key to almost all success. The reason I bring this up is because tomorrow I have a large science test and the last one didn't go perfectly so in theory I'd need to do better on this one to stabilize my grade. But, instead of studying more I wanted to blog. In my mind becoming a better English student and sharpening my blogging skills are just so much more important than being able to explain all of cellular respiration. Am I being too naive? Am I putting all my eggs in one basket? In a recent conversation with a peer who asked whether I was a good student or not I replied (without thought or premonition) "I'm a good student when I care". I thought about it afterwords; it sounds arrogant and naive but honestly it makes the most sense to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to die alone, homeless and jobless because I can't get my priorities straight. But then on the other hand I tell myself that "straight" is just the mainstream and what is expected of you. Varun tells me that I should count my blessings and that things could be so much worse; I believe him and it makes me feel like a lazy, waste of oxygen but then hours later I find it sooooo much easier to put effort into what I enjoy and what intrigues me. Of course like all teenagers I am still naive in the sense that I should be putting more effort in trying to be intrigued by science in depth but I'm a teenager and I want to think like one (as long as I am one). Quite the dilemma I have here. Then again, most everything I've posted on this blog has been a dilemma. And in respect to the epitome of dilemmas I give you "why does anyone make love?". It's a very mature question literally but metaphorically (I think) it means "why open yourself up if you will be hurt"? Not that this quoted dilemma was the focus of this post I just wanted to include one of the only things that has been on my mind lately.

Appreciation

So, those that have followed multiple posts know that I bring appreciation up a lot. More than just any fond idea. My realization of the importance of this came from my first year at a camp in Colorado called Cheley camps. The name is from the name of the guy who founded it, Frank Cheley. On a little tangent this guy was a genius because he knew that teenagers and mountains mix extremely well. I'll leave my full thoughts on mountains for another post. This post is about a unit leader (6 units, younger boys lower ski hi, middle boys, ski hi, my unit older boys Haiyaha, older girds Senior Chipeta, middle girls Chipeta, and younger girls lower Chipeta) named Sean Ness. Sean (22 years old) was a very calm, collected guy, a very good leader for a group of 40 14-17 year old guys. But in my first week of camp I sometimes witness some of the veterans somewhat jokingly telling Sean that they appreciated him. In return he'd say "I appreciate you". I soon picked up the trend and like the others, said it with a somewhat jokingly tone. (Hold on I'm getting to the point here) But whenever Sean would say "I appreciate you" he'd say it with full honesty. Every time I heard it I'd get this little chill down my spine. At the time I was unaware of it's power. When I returned this summer I was a year older but more lost. Ninth grade was very confusing and I wasn't really sure I wanted to go back to camp and leave school because school was all I knew. But when I say Sean Ness and we exchanged "I appreciate you"(s) I had this epiphany. It made me feel sooooo good and I understood why the other boys persisted with the trend. It felt good to be told that yet they said it with the jokingly tone because saying something like that requires a level of openness which can be scary and sometimes when scared and confused why their scared all one can do is laugh. If only we could all be this open with each other. I appreciate each person in my grade for something, somehow, and that is completely and utterly honest. If each person in the 10th grade required appreciation from me I could give it to them for at least one reason. Everyone is special to another in some way. Just imagine if everyone started exchanging "I appreciate you"(s) instead of hellos. Can you imagine how much happier and motivated we'd be. Of course to receive the happiness and motivation one must open up and except that the appreciation is real and not thin and frail. I really disliked it in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close when Ada Black (the rich one) disliked how Oskar complimented her maid. She thought that he was addressing her in a condescending tone because she (Ada) assumed that Oskar didn't fully mean it. This is one of our problems as humans, we assume that anything that sounds too good to be true isn't. Well why the hell can't it be. We've subconsciously grown an unnecessary pescimistic tendency that needs to be managed.

I don't know if I have the courage to start a trend such as the one I've mentioned. But as I've learned "no one does it alone" (so I'd need help) and all the trees in the forest started as acorns. This is all I have to say. The story was long and the point small, but I hope you can still appreciate it; after all, that is the most important trait of our existence.